God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Randomize