god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
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