Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Randomize
