You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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