So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
