The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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