why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
