It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
