Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
