Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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