Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
