I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
