tell your sister to shave her snatch
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
