ya dads aren't the best wingmen
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
