I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
