drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
