cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I just want nice things and good sex
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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