I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Walk of Shame today included voting.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
