shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
