The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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