How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
