just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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