Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize