I wish I only lived at night.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
