Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
two words...techno handjob
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
