Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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