Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
