He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize