yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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