the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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