Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
