Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
