I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize