Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
