Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
