he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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