just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
