cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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