nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Randomize
