I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
