I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
