A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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