I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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