I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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