My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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