I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
