Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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