im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
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