I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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