dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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