Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
