Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
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