Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize
