you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
