I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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