I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
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