i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
